If, At That Time
by Milk-n-Pork
Summary: "Tetsuo... do you believe in forever?" What would have happened if they were born as lovers who didn't have to go through what they did? What if they had never met? Youji ponders this and comes to a realization. Post-'Miracles May' route.


**"If, at that time, we had never met, it would be the greatest demise of my life."**

Shironuma Tetsuo stood in silence, letting the wind of the passing train brush his golden locks as he stared blankly at a random blank space in this unfamiliar stop that reeked with the strong smell of a crowd along with something strongly nostalgic. His feet had brought him to the stop right before his own without him realizing it. Again.

Many a time he found himself wandering to this place, as if there were invisible strings pulling his heart towards it - like there was something it wanted to say. Indeed, there was something about this place that made him feel empty, depressed - perhaps a tinge of nostalgia, too - but he just couldn't seem to put his mind as to what it was. Maybe it was because of the peace at this stop (as compared to his own at least), that drug-like smell, the evening wind that he never used to feel since he was usually already at home by this time - everything about this place soothed his soul. Ever since he started going to this stop, Tetsuo would wander around for a while and sometimes found himself walking deeper into the streets, away from shops and into modest apartment complexes, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Even now, he was already by the apartment streets before he even realized it.

"If, at that time, we were..." he started mumbling to himself, but his thoughts stopped halfway, - it always did at this moment - like these mysterious thoughts were a song he forgot the tune of. He had a feeling- no, he iknew/i that it had to do with the missing piece in his memory, with the classmate who had disappeared from the world and his memories. It just had to be - everything else in his life was perfectly normal, except for that one classmate whose existence never failed to bother him.

_"-o yo-... b-l-ev- -n f-r-ve-?"_

It rang into his ears oh so suddenly that he was caught off guard. It was a voice, broken and muffled and barely there. Tetsuo clutched his chest, leaning towards a lamp post and feeling the pang of painful nostalgia of something he just couldn't remember. And yet at the same time, there was this dreadful foreboding that made him think that he couldn't remember because he wasn't supposed to. Breathing slowly, the blond calmed himself down.

Soon enough, he did. Sighing, he got off from the lamp post and began his journey back home with this heavy, uneasy feeling pricking his heart still that he had slowly gotten used to by now. It was getting late.

Unbeknownst to him, however, was the silhouette of a man's shadow existing by the lamp post's dim light, the main reason for his mysterious relaxations at the station and for his nostalgic tendencies. Youji would wait for him to realize - even if it meant forever.

* * *

><p><strong>"If, at that time, we were under different circumstances, we would have been the greatest lovers of the world."<strong>

Tetsuo rarely smiled. He never saw a reason in expressing his happiness when he knew that he and Youji understood each other completely even without trifling things such as facial expressions. All they had to do, according to him, was forever stay beside each other and it would be enough.

Oh how utterly wrong he was.

Youji taught him more than how to excessively love and care for someone, and to harbour the extreme desire to make that person happy, because Youji taught him to find his own happiness. And he did - it was in being loved back by the very person he swore his life to.

As the days went by, Tetsuo's smile gradually became more defined. Youji had transformed him from the aloof, cold-hearted man who was never honest with his own feelings to the supportive and devoted lover he was now. And he, in turn, looked after Youji whenever the coal-haired man experienced post-traumatic symptoms.

"Tetsuo, do you... believe in forever?"

Said boy glanced over to look at the other. Youji squeezed his hand and continued to stare at the sky that stretched above them. Somehow, he felt as if he had heard that question before, from a time, a place lost within the depths of his subconscious self. "If it really existed, I'd be the happiest man in the world."

Without a word, Youji smiled in response.

* * *

><p><strong>"If, at that time, we were the only two in the world, I would have been happy just to stay by your side."<strong>

Silence, darkness, and emptiness floated amidst the bottomless pit of nothingness. A complete oblivion devoid of joy, pain, and any form of emotion threatened to consume Tetsuo and Youji as they held and kept each other company. They couldn't move nor speak; every nerve restrained, every muscle numbed to the point that it felt like they weren't there at all.

And yet... they felt that no words nor actions were needed. They would never find happiness here, it was true, but no sadness would creep over them, either. They could never express nor desire love, but none of that mattered - because in this world, no one but them existed, and they existed for each other.

It was a forever that they wouldn't mind staying in.

* * *

><p><strong>"But I know that even if I changed the smallest thing from the past, I would never love you as much as I still do now."<strong>

Tetsuo had given him lots of firsts - his first love, first friend, first person he deeply cared for and reciprocated his feelings (other than his sister), first heartaches... and now, this was the first time he shed tears this much for someone else.

Youji found himself wandering back to a certain Japanese-styled house after a long time. It had been a long time since he last went to this place - and he remembered that the only time he left was whenever Tetsuo himself left, and that wasn't very often.

The raven-haired man smiled to himself, said smile turning bitter as he noticed his own skin growing paler, almost translucent. Sighing, he slowly crept inside, making his way to Tetsuo's room. A black lump of fur was sitting by the door, and its ears perked up at his presence. Noticing him, it went up to Youji and circled him, as if observing him. Then the cat stood still, as if alertly watching him.

"You're still here, huh?" he said, reminiscing of that day he and Tetsuo fed it. Turning back to the door slightly ajar before him, Youji peeked into the room before entering quietly.

He was sleeping. Youji smiled as he gazed at the tranquil expression on the other's face, wondering what kind of dreams lay behind eyelids that were adorned with golden eyelashes. He wanted to know if his existence had a chance on slipping past unspoken dreams and bursting forth from caged memories. He wanted to know, but... he knew there was no chance. He already had his wish of saving Tetsuo granted, and he had no right to ask for anything more.

Suddenly, Tetsuo shifted from his sleep and pulled the other from his reverie. The ravenhead watched him, and when the other showed no movement again, he got up from his seat and walked in front of him. He seemed to be having a nightmare. Youji frowned, and he wished that he could embrace him, comfort him with words of consolation, but now he couldn't. He was just a phantom, and all he could do was watch over the other, unable to do anything else.

He stopped his train of thoughts before they would go astray and leave him feeling pessimistic again. Quietly he bent down and placed a featherlight kiss on Tetsuo's forehead. The other's forehead felt warm against his cold lips.

"You... ji..." Tetsuo mumbled.

Youji's eyes went wide with utter surprise. "Tetsuo..." he called back. Tears started to fall along his cheeks. Before long, he found himself crying, descending down the blond man's sleeping form and sobbing against his chest as all of the yearning went back at him like a slap to the face. He realized how much he missed him, how much he longed for his touch, his voice, his love... He wanted to curse their fate, but he knew he couldn't because without all of the hardships they had, they would never have gotten this far. They would never have met at all. And that although the pain was excruciating, he had to hold on. _If forever really existed, he would have liked to stay in a forever where the two of them were together._

With these thoughts in mind, Youji got up and left the room, leaving Tetsuo to dream.


End file.
